she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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