she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
