you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
