I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize