kristin has been a bad kristin
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
