Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
