I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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