I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize