meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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