Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
