Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
