; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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