thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
