she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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