My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
