so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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