I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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