This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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