this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
