you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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