i already hear my dad disowning me
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
