please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
