I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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