i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
