you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
