Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize