Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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