I'm lost and stupid without you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
