Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
