you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
