Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
