Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
