also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
