And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize