when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
wow bdsm is so cute
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
