so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
