my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
