I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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