im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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