In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
