My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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