the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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