I am spending my child support on dildos
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize