i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize