I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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