My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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