You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
