Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
