apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
there was a trapeze. enough said
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
