Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
