There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
