She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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