got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
