I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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