im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
