If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
