Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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