If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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