I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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