Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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